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Phone: you're running out of space. Delete stuff. Phone: not those apps. I gifted them to you. I don't care that you never use them. Pick an app you downloaded and use instead.

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"The only problem with being genuinely nice to everyone is that you end up feeling consantly disappointed that people don't treat you like you treat them."

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"" I can't tell you the time because my watch is doing a software update" is probably the most ridiculous thing I've said all week "

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"the internet has taught me more about feminism, gender, sexuality and mental illness than school and it shouldn't be like that"

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""Elevator music" is a widely known concept, yet I've never been in an elevator that plays music "

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my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car

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"I own a bakery. Once I had a customer tell me to give her bread for free because she knew the owner if I didn't she'd get me fired. "I responded, I am the owner and I've never met you in my life " "

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So my grandma just asked me if her new laptop will get too heavy if she downloads too many files from the internet.

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